Pick Your Battles: The Leadership Tactic My Dad Taught Me on a Patio

My dad and I were standing on my parents' patio having a cigar while we grilled.

Jenna and I had just been in an argument. A minor one. If you asked me today what it was about, I couldn't tell you if I tried.

I remember everything else, though.

As Jenna went back inside the house, my dad tapped my arm and said four words.

"Learn to pick your battles."

Four words. Very sage advice to a newly married man.

I didn't know it yet, but he had just handed me something I would need for the rest of my life.

Those four words have shaped my marriage. They have also shaped how I lead a team, how I run a meeting and how I handle the people who push my buttons on a Tuesday afternoon.

Today I want to talk about picking your battles as a leadership tactic, because I think a lot of high achievers are winning arguments and losing the people they're arguing with.

Winning the Battle Can Cost You the War

Here's the simple version of what my dad was teaching me.

Not everything is worth arguing over.

Sometimes you win the battle only to lose the war.

In a marriage, the war is the covenant. In a business, the war is the culture, the trust and the team you're going to go to battle with every day for the next ten years.

Think about the last disagreement you had at work. Maybe a manager formatted a report the way you hate. Maybe someone on your team took a different route to the same result. Maybe a partner phrased something in a meeting in a way that rubbed you wrong.

Now ask yourself a hard question.

Did it matter?

You may well have been right. The real question is whether it mattered enough to spend trust on it.

Because every battle you pick costs something. It costs energy. It costs attention. It costs a little bit of the other person's willingness to bring you their best idea next time.

High achievers tend to be competitive. I know I am. We like being right. We like winning. And if we're not careful, we treat every small disagreement like a game we have to win.

That instinct can build a business early on.

Left unchecked, it can also wreck the team you built.

I Have Measured the Score When I Should Have Given More

I have to own something here.

How do I know a leader can turn every relationship into a scoreboard? Because I've done it.

There's a brilliant short book by Al Ritter called The 100/0 Principle. Al points out that we tend to treat our key relationships as a 50/50 deal. You give 50 percent, I give 50 percent.

The problem is the measuring.

We expect the other person to pull their weight, and then we keep track of whether they do. Our unspoken expectations go unmet. We start counting deposits and withdrawals.

I've caught myself doing exactly that. In my marriage. With people on my team. With friends.

And when you're keeping score, you pick a LOT of battles. Every small miss becomes evidence. Every disagreement becomes a chance to settle the account.

Al proposes a different model. 100/0. You give 100 percent and take 100 percent responsibility for the relationship, and as you do, the other person tends to choose responsibility as well. Over time it moves toward something like 100/100.

I love that premise.

It changes how you pick your battles. Instead of asking who's winning, you start asking, "What does this relationship need from me right now?"

I'm a giver. Sometimes I get taken advantage of. That doesn't mean I stop giving because one person burned me.

Lesson: The leader who keeps score picks every fight. The leader who takes full responsibility picks the right ones.

Who in your life are you keeping score on right now?

Ego Picks Battles That Wisdom Would Walk Away From

When I wrote about my marriage in The Kairos Code, I said that Jenna and I very rarely argue. Part of that is learning each other's communication style.

The other part is losing your ego over who is wrong or right.

That's the hard part.

Ego wants the last word.

Ego wants to be seen as the smartest person at the table.

Ego wants the other person to admit they were wrong.

None of those things build trust. None of them make your team better. None of them get you closer to the vision you're working toward.

There's a lesson I learned early in my career and wrote down in the book: when we can get our ego out of the way and choose humility, doors open.

So before I pick a battle now, I try to run it through a few honest questions.

Is this about the mission or about my pride?

Will this matter in a week? A month? A year?

Is this a values issue, or is it a preference issue?

Am I the right person to raise it, and is this the right time?

If I win this one, what does it cost the relationship?

That fourth question matters more than you'd think. Sometimes the battle is worth picking, but not in front of the whole team, not over text and not at 9 p.m. when everyone's tired.

There is a time and place for certain conversations. Timing is part of the tactic.

Some Battles Are Worth Picking Every Single Time

Picking your battles does NOT mean avoiding all conflict.

Healthy conflict is part of any strong relationship. In a marriage it takes open and honest dialogue that creates healthy conflict. A team is no different. If nobody on your team ever disagrees with you, be careful. That silence may be fear dressed up as agreement.

So which battles are worth it?

The ones about your core values.

The ones about integrity, when someone asks you to cut a corner you know is wrong.

The ones about the safety, dignity and well-being of the people you lead.

The ones about the standard you've agreed on as a team, when that standard is slipping and everyone can see it.

Those battles you pick every time, even when it's uncomfortable. ESPECIALLY when it's uncomfortable.

Here's how I think about it. Preferences are negotiable. Values are not.

When you stop fighting over preferences, you have more energy, more credibility and more trust in the bank for the battles over values. Your team learns that when you do push back, it means something.

The leader who fights over everything gets tuned out.

The leader who fights over the right things gets heard.

There's a line from Andy Frisella that I included in the book. "If you can't win the battle in your mind . . . You can't win."

That's where this really starts. Before you pick a battle with anyone else, you have to win the one inside you. The voice that wants to be right. The voice that wants to settle the score. The voice that says you can't let this one go.

Win that battle first.

Then decide which ones are worth fighting out loud.

If you want an honest look at where your relationships and your leadership stand today, take the LQ Assessment. It will show you where you're strong and where you've been spending energy you can't afford to lose.

Your Kids and Your Team Are Watching How You Fight

Jenna and I keep God at the center of our marriage. One of the rules we hold to is that we don't disagree with each other or override each other's judgment in front of the kids.

We want them to see Mom and Dad as a united front.

If Mom says "no," Dad says "no."

That's picking your battles too. The disagreement may still be real. We just choose the time and place to have it, and it's not in front of the kids who are watching everything we do.

Your team works the same way.

They are watching how you handle disagreement with your leadership team. They are watching whether you correct a manager in front of their people or behind a closed door. They are watching whether you need to win every exchange.

The way you fight teaches them how to fight.

If you want a team that handles conflict with maturity, model it. Pick the battles that matter. Have them at the right time, in the right place. And let the small stuff go so the big stuff gets your full attention.

My dad gave me four words on a patio. He didn't pick a battle with me about how I'd handled the argument. He picked his moment and said what mattered.

That's leadership.

## Action Items From Today 1. Write down the last three disagreements you had at work. Next to each one, mark whether it was a values issue or a preference issue. 2. Pick one preference battle you've been fighting with someone on your team and let it go this week. Tell them you're letting it go. 3. Before your next tough conversation, ask yourself, "Is this about the mission or about my pride?" Write down your honest answer. 4. Identify one values battle you've been avoiding. Schedule the conversation for the right time and place in the next seven days. 5. Notice one relationship where you've been keeping score. Give 100 percent to it this week without measuring what comes back. 6. Agree with your spouse on one disagreement you'll take out of earshot of the kids from now on.

Five Bridges Challenges

Internal Bridge: Each night this week, write down one moment where your ego wanted the last word. Note whether you took it and what it cost.

Relationships Bridge: Ask your spouse which small battles you pick that don't matter to them. Listen without defending yourself, and drop one of them for the next month.

Environment Bridge: Talk with your leadership team about how disagreements get handled. Agree on which issues get raised in the moment and which get taken to a private conversation.

If you want leaders around you who will call you out when you're fighting the wrong battles, Bridge Builder Mastermind is where that work gets done in a small cohort. And if you want the full story behind the Five Bridges, read The Kairos Code.

The Moment is NOW.

Inspire & Impact,

Josh